Momentum Podcast: 118

What If I Am Single?

by Alex Charfen

Episode Description

I often share there are two simple rules for success for married entrepreneurs:

– One, your marriage is most important.

– Two, make transparency in your marriage absolute.

The question comes up, “what if I am single?”

The rules of success are just as simple, but different:

– One, get clear on the type of person you want to be in a relationship with.

– Two, become that person.

I look forward to your comments and questions…

Full Audio Transcript

I'm Alex Charfen, and this is the Momentum Podcast, made for empire builders, game changers, trailblazers, shot takers, record breakers, world makers, and creators of all kinds. Those among us who can't turn it off, and don't know why anyone would want to. We challenge complacency, destroy apathy, and we are obsessed with creating momentum, so we can roll over bureaucracy and make our greatest contribution. Sure, we pay attention to their rules, but only so that we can bend them, break them, then rewrite them around our own will. We don't accept our destiny. We define it. We don't understand defeat, because you only lose if you stop, and we don't know how. While the rest of the world strives for average, and clings desperately to the status quo, we are the minority, the few who are willing to hallucinate there could be a better future, and instead of just daydreaming of what could be, we endure the vulnerability and exposure it takes to make it real. We are the evolutionary hunters, clearly the most important people in the world, because entrepreneurs are the only source of consistent, positive human evolution, and we always will be.

What if I am single? This is a question that I get often, because I share two simple rules for success for married entrepreneurs. One, your marriage is the most important, and two, transparency in your marriage should be absolute. When I share these, I mean it. If you're a married entrepreneur, those are the two rules for success, not just in life, but in business. If you are treating your marriage as it's most important, if you are sharing everything with your spouse so that they're comfortable with what's going on, if you're letting them know what's happening, that is when you will create the most momentum.

Because as entrepreneurs, it's time we all admit, one, that our spouse is the most important person in the world to us, or we wouldn't have chosen them, and two, that our spouse's opinion, the way they look at us, the way they feel about us, means everything.

I recently asked an entrepreneur, one of my clients Jason Hall, on a call with him and his wife Ashley Hall, and I just asked directly, "Jason, what is Ashley's feeling about you mean to you? What does Ashley mean to you?" And he said, very quickly, "Everything. It's everything." And that's what it is for married entrepreneurs.

Now, what if you're single? I don't mean to leave you out. A lot of the people that I work with are married, and that's the advice that I give them. For single entrepreneurs, there's similar advice, and it's just as simple, but it's different. There's two rules. One, get clear on the type of person you want to be in a relationship with, and two, become that person. I know this seems cliché, and I know it seems simple, but the simplest solutions are usually the ones that create the most massive results. This is exactly how I found [Cadey 00:02:54].

See, what happens is most of us, as entrepreneurs, are out looking for relationships, and we have no process, no system. We're using litmus tests like, "Am I attracted to this person right now? Do I like talking to them?" And then we end up getting into relationships that may or may not be what we want. In fact, for most entrepreneurs, if they're in a successful relationship, it's because they got lucky, not because they had any system, any strategy, or any understanding of what they really wanted before they met that person. Most of us are doing it just by luck.

That did not work for me. In fact, when I was younger I was a disaster at relationships. I wouldn't say that I'm, like, a pro now, or really phenomenal at them, but I've learned strategies that when put in place, help you become better at relationships. And when it comes to romantic relationships, I was even worse. I had a hard time finding the right people. I got into relationships with the wrong type of women. I had a hard time expressing what I wanted, or understanding what I wanted. And as a result, I was often in the wrong situation.

In my early twenties, I was in an extended relationship that was very damaging and somewhat abusive, and wasn't what I really wanted in my life, and it lasted far longer than it should. You might be able to relate. When the relationship was finally over, I went to see a therapist. It got so hard for me that I needed to go see someone. In fact, when I was in the relationship, there was a ton of noise, and a ton of energy, and almost constant challenges. It was like I was constantly in a state of fight or flight, a state of panic, because of how damaging the relationship was. When I got out of it, I expected everything to get better, but there was this incredibly weird dynamic where when the noise went away, it was like there was this vacancy. I didn't feel more comfortable. I felt more uncomfortable. I didn't feel like things got better. I felt like I was alone with all of these thoughts, and all of this space, and so I ended up going to see a therapist.

For anyone who hasn't done it yet, if you're an entrepreneur, finding a good EMDR therapist is a game-changer. Because after getting out of that relationship, I was in a place where I was having trouble eating, I was having trouble sleeping, focusing. I went and did EMDR a few times, and almost immediately, things started getting easier. Almost immediately, I felt better. Almost immediately, I got back into momentum and feeling good about myself. After a few sessions the therapist said, "You know, I think one of the big things for you is being in a relationship. Would you be willing to go through an exercise?"

He took me through a very simple exercise where we created a list of the 10 things I wanted in a relationship. Seems pretty easy, right? It actually wasn't. He wouldn't let me write things like, "I want someone who's attractive," and, "I want someone who ... " It wasn't the normal things you'd think. In fact, when I first said, "I want someone who's attractive," he said, "Come on, Alex. You're not going to get into a relationship with someone you're not attracted to. Let's get to the real stuff."

So I started digging, and I came up with things like, "I want someone who's willing to live in an alternative way." Like, I'm not a nine to five guy. I want to be able to do stuff. I wanted someone who is spontaneous. I also wanted someone who is stable. I wanted someone who was willing to care about me, and wanted to be cared about. I kept writing the list, and I remember when I was done with it, this feeling of clarity washed over me. This feeling of calm washed over me. Thinking, like, "This is really what I want." And I showed it to a couple of friends, and I remember one said, "This is a great list, but if this woman's out there she's married, and you're never gonna find her." And I remember thinking, "Well, thanks. That's awesome."

But I also remember, once I saw the list I didn't have a motivation to go out and date anymore. I didn't want to be around bars anymore. I didn't want to go out drinking. I didn't want to go out to the nightclubs anymore. It was like I found this list, and I just wanted to find that person. And so I started focusing on myself, because once I saw that list, I realized I was trying to find someone who I wasn't at that point in time. Like, I wanted someone who'd take care of themselves, who wanted to develop, who wanted to become a better person. And there was a lot of those things that I wasn't doing, so I started focusing on that.

For seven months, I barely dated. I almost went on a sabbatical from women altogether. After the relationship I was in, I really needed it. Then one night I was on Home Shopping Network. I had just been on air about 10 times for a 24-hour period, doing a today's special. I think we'd sold something like $22 or $26 million. We'd broke massive records. And when we were done, I had ... So, a today's special at Home Shopping is really special, especially if you're the person who's on air. You start at 10:00 one night. You go live at 10:00 at night, then you go 11:00, then you go 5:00 in the morning, then 6:00 in the morning, then maybe 7:00. Then you get a break, and you come back at noon, and you'll do noon and 2:00 and 3:00. Then you get a break. You come back, you do 5:00, 6:00, and 7:00. Then you get a break. You come back, you do 9:00, 10:00, and 11:00. And if you sell out, you get to go home early.

This was one of those days where we went home early, so I had been up for almost 36 hours. I was running on fumes. I had gotten a few catnaps, but we got off of ... When I had finished selling out the product, it was about 9:30. Brian, who was with me ... One of the guys who worked with me and I ... went out to dinner. We went to a Bahama Breeze in Tampa, and we sat up at the bar. 10 or 15 minutes after we got there, Cadey walked in and sat near us. There's a funny story about the night. Like, a guy who was sitting there was hitting on her, and we were watching them and we were laughing about it, and he finally drank enough that they made him leave the restaurant. And then Brian, Cadey, and I started talking.

As we talked, I started realizing that she had the qualities I was looking for. In a hour, or hour and a half conversation, I was able to qualify and ask and see if she was the type of person I was looking for. And it was amazing, because in that night, on that night, that first night that we were together, I realized that this list I had written was sitting in front of me. I got Cadey's phone number. Walked her out of the restaurant, got her phone number. Made sure that it was a real number, because she had a cellphone number that seemed like it was fake. Like, it was like 525-6800, so I called it to make sure it was real. I know I'm seeming a little bit like a bit of a spaz, but I was really excited about meeting her.

We left that night. I waited til the next day, gave her a call, and I had even told my mom that day that I had met this incredible woman, and I really thought that there was something about it. Might even be the woman I was gonna marry. And then I waited for Cadey's call. It didn't come. I waited a day. Then another day. Then five days. Then seven days. Then I called again. I never called again, but I called again. I broke all the rules. I made the second call. She didn't call. 10 days. 13 days.

She finally called back over two weeks later, and we started talking. She let me know that she had been in a relationship, that she ended it in that two weeks' period. That she didn't feel comfortable talking to me until she had. And then we started just getting to know each other over the phone. I lived in south Florida, she lived in Texas, so it was a total chance encounter that we met in Tampa. Had I not had that list, I may not have known that she was the right person for me, but once we started talking, everything was confirmed. And it happened fast. You know, we talked for a few weeks. She came out to Florida to visit me. We made the decision, on the first time that she ever came out, that she was gonna move out. Three weeks later, she had gotten out of her lease of an apartment, sold a lot of her stuff, packed the rest of it up, and she moved out to Florida and we've been together since.

That story has repeated hundreds of times with the entrepreneurs I coach, because in our Momentum Master Class product, there is a discreet way to go through and create your list of 10. In fact, the exercises have been built out to get you clarity on personal congruency and where you're going, and then creating that list. And I've helped hundreds of entrepreneurs do this, and there are countless relationships and marriages and babies that have come out of this process.

Because most of us, as entrepreneurs, are out there looking for someone with absolutely nothing guiding us. Most of us are out there trying to find a relationship with no process, no system, and no expectation of what we want. If you don't know what you expect, you're gonna take what you can get. But if you're willing to sit down right now, and admit that you're valuable enough to spell out what you want, and if you're willing to make that list, and to write down the things that you want in a partner, and become that person, here's the secret ... You will magnetically attract exactly who you are becoming.

When an entrepreneur tells me, "Hey, I don't even want to be in a relationship, and I'm single," I say, "There's two rules for your success. Get clear on the type of person you would want to be in a relationship with, and become that person." Because even if you don't want to be in a relationship, the person you're going to spend the most time with, by default, is you. So write down who you want to spend time around, and become that person, because you're going to be doing exactly that.

Being an entrepreneur isn't easy, but when we can find that person to be in a relationship with, our first follower, the person who we can support, and the person who supports us, everything in our world changes, and momentum is almost guaranteed. So if you're single, admit just how valuable you are. Take the time for yourself right now. Make the admission that being in a relationship and finding someone is important to you, and you want it to happen, and allow that to be something you think about. And then make your list. And like me, finalize it, carry it around in your wallet. Read it when you're at doctor's offices, waiting. Read it when you're at a stoplight waiting. Read it when you're feeling frustrated or upset, and continue to focus on not only the person you're finding, but the person you're becoming.

I guarantee you, this will increase your levels of success not just in your relationships, but in all areas of your life. Because when you start becoming the person you want to be with, everything in your life will improve. If you're interested in changing your life in a way that you never thought possible, if you're ready to be in a relationship, to stop being frustrated, to create more momentum, to stop feeling like you're letting the people around you down, and get more done than you ever thought possible, go right now to My Momentum Master Class not only will help you find a relationship, but will help you get clarity in the areas of your life that create the most momentum, so that you know exactly where to focus on a daily basis, so you create the most progress possible. Get unstuck, and go create your greatest outcome. Thanks for being with me today.

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