Momentum Podcast: 366

It's Not Them, It's You

by Alex Charfen

Episode Description

One of the biggest levers to success is to stop blaming the people around you for the things that trigger you. Take responsibility for yourself to be able to move forward to that place you've always known you should be. 

When you realize what your triggers are you can condition yourself to change your behavior. What you react to will keep you in the same state of success that you're in today. When you're upset, frustrated or feel triggered by something, take a step back and ask yourself “where is this coming from and where is it that I need to work on?”

Full Audio Transcript

Alex Charfen: As entrepreneurs, we get triggered by the people around us, and we want to be angry, frustrated, upset with them. In order for us to grow and move forward to that place we've always known we should be, we have to stop blaming and take responsibility, and it's one of the greatest levers to success.

I'm Alex Charfen and this is the Momentum Podcast, made for empire builders, game changers, trailblazers, shot takers, record breakers, world makers, and creators of all kinds. Those among us who can't turn it off and don't know why anyone would want to. We challenge complacency, destroy apathy, and we are obsessed with creating momentum so we can role over bureaucracy and make our greatest contribution.

Sure we pay attention to their rules, but only so we can bend them, break them, then rewrite them around our own will. We don't accept our destiny, we define it. We don't understand defeat because you only lose if you stop, and we don't know how. While the rest of the world strives for average and clings desperately to the status quo, we are the minority, the few, who are willing to hallucinate there could be a better future, and instead of just daydreaming of what could be, we endure the vulnerability and exposure it takes to make it real. We are the evolutionary hunters. Clearly, the most important people in the world because entrepreneurs are the only source of consistent positive human evolution, and we always will be.

I'm recording this podcast really late. Today was an incredible day, but a long day. It's after 10:00, which is super late for me. I'm usually in bed by now. Today was my birthday party, and tomorrow is my actual birthday, so today is my actual birthday if you're listening to his podcast on the day it was released. And last night, or tonight but really last night if you're listening to it, this is getting confusing. I had a party and it was amazing. It was super humbling event, really exciting. And people from around the world, I had tons of friends from here in Austin, Taki Moore and his family were here from Australia, and [Sean Stephenson] was in from Arizona, and it just worked out that there was a lot of really amazing people here and amazing friends.

Earlier in the day we took our kids to see Sean Stephenson to speak. And for those of you who don't know Sean, he's been known as all kids of different things, but he's two and a half feet tall and is in a wheelchair. And at one point in his life, he had a disease so bad in his bones, he had such thin bones that if he would sneeze or cough, he would break a bone. If he would roll over the wrong way, he could break a bone. And so Sean is a really unique, incredible guy. He's amazing to have as a friend. He's very supportive and always has time when I need it and very understanding. And today we took our daughters to see him and he said from stage that if someone else around you is triggering you, if they're frustrating, if they're upsetting you, then you have something to work on.

And this is just so absolutely true. And I think for any entrepreneur, for any of us to know that it's not them it's you, is such an important start. It's such an important beginning to being the entrepreneur you want to be, to having the company you want to have, to having the team around you that you want to have. Because as entrepreneurs, what we want to do is get triggered, blamed, then react, and we lose control when we do that.

So we're triggered by somebody around us. We're frustrated they didn't do something. We're upset that they didn't do what they should do. They're not acting the way that we want them to. Then we blame them. Then we react to them. And then we're no longer in control nor can we change behavior so that we're not triggered in the first place because when we're triggered, it's us. And as you mature, as you go through time, as you start understanding what's going on, you start realizing that there's a trigger, and instead of taking blame, you immediately start conditioning yourself to take responsibility. You ask yourself what is this trigger? Where is it coming from? And then you can change behavior, and grow from it, and so often, what you react to will keep you at the state of success you are in today.

I just want you to let that sink in. Sometimes it's not so much what you're doing that's keeping you in the state that you're in, it's what you're reacting to. And as you mature, the reactions you have is you step up what you're reacting to, and you start taking more and more responsibility, you will change more behavior. And you will become a better leader, you will become a better spouse, you will become a better parent. That is a process you have to go through.

And so, one of the questions that I ask myself that I want you to ask yourself when you are triggered, when you're frustrated, when you're upset with somebody is, where is this coming from? Where is it in my life that I am a representation of whatever this is in this person that's triggering me, and where is it that I need to work on? 'Cause it's almost like a secret message from yourself of what you've been avoiding is where you are triggered. And it's so hard to see it this way because so many entrepreneurs, and me especially for so long, when you were triggered, you'd just react.

When you're triggered it's go time. When you're triggered it's time to get angry or go heads down, or do whatever you normally do when you're triggered, when you're upset with somebody, you react. And it's hard to recondition yourself to stop reacting, take responsibility, and then try and understand it. But when you do everything in your life will start to shift.

Because if you continuously react to the same things, you are going to stay in the same place. If you don't condition yourself to start taking responsibility, changing the behavior, and shifting what you're reacting to, then you will not be growing. This is a different take on what it really takes to be successful, but I've coached entrepreneurs to wild levels of success for my whole career. And this is one of those places that if an entrepreneur blames people around them, if they blame people around them for their reactions, for their feelings, for their state of mind, for what's going on in their lives, those are the entrepreneurs that cap out very early.

And the entrepreneurs who stop blaming, who feel the trigger, take responsibility, and change their behavior, and understand what it is, and do the hard work, dig deep and figure out what was going on, those are the entrepreneurs that explode into massive levels of success, into worldwide fame. Those are the ones that people really trust because you're actually doing the work, not just reacting, and that creates a level of magnetism from you to the rest of the world towards you. They will be drawn to you because the real way to build an incredible following, a massive group of people who really respect you is to put out incredible information and grow yourself.

Regardless of what business you're in. And one of the fastest ways to do it is here. It's taking responsibility when you're irritated with the people around you because what you're really irritated with is something that is going on in you, with you, around you. In part of your life you're doing it, you're feeling it, you're experiencing it, you haven't dealt with it because it's happened to you in the past. There's something there that warrants your investigation because growing as a business person, growing as an entrepreneur is all about changing your behavior. And the faster you can change your behavior to the right things, to the right behaviors, the faster you will get the business you want, the success you want, the influence you want, the affluence you want.

And this reaction you're having to people is again, it's like secret messaging, don't let it pass. When you feel that trigger, start asking yourself questions, stay present, and you'll grow like crazy.

Today was absolutely amazing. It was incredible to have everybody over here. We had over 50 people here for a party where it dawned on me that there was a point in my life where I only had a few friends, like two or three. And there was no way I could fill a party. In fact, I had trouble finding people to hang out with and tonight, I had over 50 people here, and the reason for that is I have learned how to recognize a trigger, to work through it. I've done the hard work. I've been in the MDR therapy. I've spent time with coaches. I've spent time with consultants. And that's what generates a level of success in the world. It also is what gets people to show up for you when you want them to in the world. Taking responsibility for who you are and changing behavior, maturing what you react to, will make more and more people want to be around you as well.

Thanks for being here with me tonight and the next time you're triggered, just remember, it's not them, it's you, and start looking for the reason and things will start shifting like crazy in your life. If you're ready to grow more than you ever thought you could, if you're ready to understand yourself in a completely different way, if you're ready to understand your personality type in a different way, go and buy a copy of my book,

A lot of the people that were here tonight, we've connected through them reading the book, through them understanding the entrepreneurial personality type content, because for a lot of entrepreneurs, this book makes them feel understood for the first time in their lives. It's the "Entrepreneurial Personality Type" the subtitle is "Your Guide to the Most Important and Misunderstood People Among Us." If you want to understand yourself at a level you never have before,

Thank You For Listening!

I am truly grateful that you have chosen to spend your time listening to me and my podcast.

Please feel free to reach out if you have a question or feedback via our Contact Us page.

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With gratitude,


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