Momentum Podcast: 70

Marriage Momentum

by Alex Charfen

Episode Description

For Entrepreneurial Personality Types the most important relationship in our lives is our spouse. We spend years denying it, some of us even try to pretend like it isn't true but the fact is that for all of us our spouse’s opinion is the one thing that matters more than anything else.In a recent interaction on one of our mastermind calls, Byron Harold shared with us how a simple concept of curiosity over judgment has radically and completely transformed his relationship with his wife.After getting his permission, we decided to share this with you because it meant so much to me, everyone who is listening, and I believe it will mean a lot to you as well. Whether you are married or not, this is a lesson on how to have powerful transformational relationships in your life.Curiosity over judgment is a relationship catalyst that could change everything for you.

Full Audio Transcript

I'm Alex Charfen, and this is The Momentum Podcast. Made for empire builders, game changers, trail blazers, shot takers, record breakers, world makers, and creators of all kinds. Those among us who can't turn it off, and don't know why anyone would want to. We challenge complacency, destroy apathy, and we are obsessed with creating momentum so we can roll over bureaucracy and make our greatest contribution. Sure, we pay attention to their rules, but only so that we can bend them, break them, and then rewrite them around our own will. We don't accept our destiny, we define it. We don't understand defeat, because you only lose if you stop, and we don't know how.

While the rest of the world strives for average, and clings desperately to the status quo, we are the minority, the few, who are willing to hallucinate there could be a better future, and instead of just daydreaming of what could be, we endure the vulnerability and exposure it takes to make it real. We are the evolutionary hunters. Clearly the most important people in the world, because entrepreneurs are the only source of consistent, positive, human evolution, and we always will be.

Welcome to The Momentum Podcast. This is Marriage Momentum. This podcast is actually a followup on what I shared yesterday, in clarity over confrontation. I shared that we had an amazing, just incredible interaction with Byron Harold, who is in our Momentum Masterclass. It's a mastermind, we meet once every couple of weeks, and it is a course that helps entrepreneurs create momentum, clarify their lives, move forward, and really just explode what they're doing in a way that no other course has ever let people like us do. We have some of the most incredible entrepreneurs in the world in that course. One of them happens to be Byron.

We had this transparent conversation, where he shared what one simple concept, clarity over confrontation, has done for his marriage. The conversation, the transparency with which he shared, the vulnerability with which he shared, blew me away, and I wanted to share it with you. Without anymore explanation, I want you to listen to Byron's input on clarity over confrontation. We're on a Zoom Call, there's a lot of other people listening. Byron was one of the first people I interacted with, and he typed in a win in the Zoom chat where he said, "This has completely transformed my marriage," and I had to bring him on live and talk to him. I think ... Well, I don't think. I know he blew me away, and he blew everyone else who was on the call with us away completely. I want you to listen to my interaction with Byron now.

Byron Harold said, "Laughing out loud. Yes, curiosity over judgment has literally connected me with my wife deeply and intentionally." Isn't it a trip Byron? Hang on. Wait, I'm going to unmute you.

Byron Harold: Oh.

Alex Charfen: Can you just ... That's a pretty amazing win. Tell us what it means.

Byron Harold: It means everything Alex. I mean, I just ... 'Cause every time she would react to something, I would just react in return. After I heard that podcast, I literally right then and there, just started listening to her. Then I just got curious. Why is she saying that? More of that, instead of just reacting, I would just ask her a question like, "I'm curious to know why you would think that," to my wife. Her name's Marina. Like, "Marina, tell me more about that." That changed the entire connection. How she even responded to me, and how we actually started to connect deeper. And, the intent of our marriage is ... I mean it's not like, "Oh, it's magical." But just those simple connections, just using that method Alex. I gotta tell you, thank you so much.

Alex Charfen: That's so awesome Byron. Did you, and I just want to ... Because you've had such a positive experience, and because it's such a hard lesson to learn-

Byron Harold: Oh, very.

Alex Charfen: ... I want to draw a little bit more of this out of you so everybody can have the same experience you did. Marina will say something, and in the past, you know ... Maybe she's said something that's accelerated, or maybe she's using an increased volume or tone. You react to those things, and then from ... I know that equation, it's just an increasing competition to the action, right?

Byron Harold: Right. Yeah, I have to get away, I have to go for a run to try to simmer it down, and there's just no reason why we can't be in the moment, and that has helped me be in the moment of not reacting negatively, and allow the inner love just for your spouse to come out.

Alex Charfen: That's so awesome man. Did you find that ... Were you surprised with some of what you found by asking questions?

Byron Harold: I'm sorry, I was distracted by my wife.

Alex Charfen: No worries, that's okay. Were you surprised by some of what you found by asking questions?

Byron Harold: Beyond. It allowed me to actually understand more than just react, because they have ... Even though it's your wife, it's a totally different human being, and you might have a perspective, a vision, a lens if you would, and they have the same thing. If we're just battling against each other, then you can't blend those lenses to understand each other's view, if you would. Then just by being curiosity, or being curious, it allowed me to actually enter her view, see it for what it was, and then for her to do the same thing. Then we can actually get on the same page, even if we still disagree, but at least there's an actual understanding and a connection without elevated heart rates, and elevated tension, and a day going uncomfortable. Me showing up to doing my passion at work, and not being comfortable there. It just created a whole reverse chain reaction.

I'm just getting goosebumps and my heart is racing right now, because as you say, if you're not connected with your spouse at home, life does not go on, and I can't perform the way I know I can at work. I even expressed that to her. I came home and was like, "Baby, you know what? When I'm connected with you, the world revolves perfectly. You're my weakness. I can't go out every day, and live my life, and do what I do for my clients if you and I are not connected." It's just allowed that inner energy to come out, and it's very profound. Thank you so much.

Alex Charfen: Byron I just want to confirm something with you. I have this coaching method that I use with married entrepreneurs. What I do is I take crazy complicated stuff, and I try and give it to the easiest, simplest, directions. Whenever an entrepreneur asks me, "What's the top thing you would tell an entrepreneur to be successful?" They're always expecting me to say something, I don't know, like what it's going to be. They're always surprised by my answer. I say, "Look, I can't tell you one thing, I'll tell you two. If you want to be successful as an entrepreneur, one, put your marriage first. And two, be absolutely proactively transparent in your marriage."

Byron Harold: Roger, completely.

Alex Charfen: People always look at me and they're like, "That, to go ... Entrepreneurial success and do what in my marriage?" And they don't understand. Do you think that, that's true?

Byron Harold: Without a doubt. As true as the sun rises and has that transition process. Yeah, if I'm not transparent with my wife, I've seen it. I've looked at the past, I've looked at it. If I wasn't transparent, there was missed connections. Like I forgot to tell her about something that was going on, and then it would just blow up. The more transparent I become, the easier life has literally gotten. That concept of a happy wife happy life, really is true when you're transparent with them.

Alex Charfen: That's awesome man. Thank you so much for sharing Byron, that's fantastic.

Byron Harold: Oh, it's my pleasure. Yeah. Thank you.

Alex Charfen: Congrats man. Yeah.

That is so deep, because it's so meaningful because every entrepreneurial personality type that's married, should just finally fess up and make an admission to themselves. That, the most important thing in their lives, is their opinion of them from their spouse, and the reflection they get from their spouse. Because, we get married, and we take far too long to admit that to ourselves. Then what happens is, we get into this place where it becomes about winning the fight, and not being in the marriage, you know? Or, coming out on top of the conflict, and not actually participating in the marriage.

That strategy that you use, curiosity over judgment, is one that I use all the time when I'm coaching entrepreneurs who are having conflict in the marriage. I don't just coach entrepreneurs who are married, I coach entrepreneurs who are married, and scaling multi million dollar growth companies. The amount of missed connection and miscommunication that can happen, is near constant. I constantly coach just, "Hey, ask each other the question." I coach couples, so I often get a message from one saying, "Hey, here's what I'm trying to tell my spouse, or my partner. Really who I'm running this business with, but they're not hearing me." It's almost always my ... My suggestion to them almost always is, "You have to tell them crazy blunt where you're coming from, and then ask questions about where they're coming from, or you won't understand."

Byron Harold: Right.

Alex Charfen: I just appreciate you confirming that for me man.

Byron Harold: No, it's a blessing bro. What's funny is, she's the one who found you.

Alex Charfen: That's funny.

Byron Harold: And introduced your whole program to me, 'cause we had bought The Sunlighten Sauna, and you took over their page a few months back.

Alex Charfen: Yeah.

Byron Harold: She goes, "Check this guy out, check this guy out." I was like, "What? Let me see." What's really, really funny Alex, is she doesn't like anybody. I'm not trying to name drop or anything, but I've been to a lot of seminars, try to follow a lot of people like you were saying just the other day on that podcast about consuming information, and not using it. She was saying those things to me. She doesn't like anybody. She doesn't believe a lot of people. She's like, "They're just full of hot air." Then she really said, "I trust that guy." I was like, "What? Really?" She's like, "Yeah. I trust him, for some reason." I was like, "All right, let me check this guy out." Then it just blew my doors man. It's just a blessing bro. Thank you for everything you've done.

Also, thank you for everything you do with the military. I've been in the military for 13 years brother, and just hearing every time ... It's like almost every fifth or sixth podcast, you're always throwing it out there, about what you do for the military. Thank you.

Alex Charfen: Yeah, no, thank you. Yeah, people always ask me about that, why do I do so much with the military. The reason is, I think that people like us, we're drawn to places where you can go and see a path to success. That if you just put your energy into, you might be able to actually climb some type of a ladder. The military has that vision for a lot of us, and most people going into the military are either running away from something, or running towards something. The one's who run the fastest are entrepreneurial personality types.

When I've had a chance to hangout with troops, and especially special forces, it's like I'm hanging out with family.

Byron Harold: Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Alex Charfen: They're all like us, and they're not running a business, but they're taking this lack of resources, lack of time, lack of control, lack of effort, and not having enough, and making ... But they execute and deliver 100% of the time.

Byron Harold: 100%, 100%.

Alex Charfen: Yeah. Yeah, thanks for serving brother.

Byron Harold: I like that. No, it's passion. I don't want to take up a lot of time on the Q and A, I just love-

Alex Charfen: No, but I just ... Thank you man.

Byron Harold: No, thank you.

Alex Charfen: Just listening to that, I get chills, and I think of what a massive difference it's made in his life, to be able to connect with his wife Marina. For her to be able to hear him, for him to be able to hear her. And I want you to think of what a massive difference curiosity over judgment can make in your life. That simple act of instead of getting into one of those escalating confrontations where it becomes more about winning the fight than actually being heard. When we start asking questions, the people around us feel heard, they feel understood, and we can radically and completely transform our relationships, transform our lives, and yes, even transform our marriages.

Thank you for being with me here on The Momentum Podcast. Take a minute now, and download the Entrepreneurial Personality Type Book. If you want to know more about yourself than anyone has ever been able to tell you, go to FreeMomentumBook right now, Download the book, read about the entrepreneurial personality type. It will help you understand yourself better, stop limiting behaviors, and create momentum as much as you possibly want. Then, make sure you're subscribed to this podcast so you know every time we put out a new episode. Thanks for being with me today.

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